


Bed, Bath, and Kaboom

by orphan_account



Category: Arrow (TV 2012)
Genre: Dinah POV, Explosions, F/M, Felicity hates flatware, Oliver implied by phone, Shopping, Wedding Planning, anti babies, anti wedding hype, felicity in the field, grrl power - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-04-09
Updated: 2017-04-09
Packaged: 2018-10-16 19:26:06
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 955
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10577934
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: The girls of Team Arrow check out the wedding registry at the mall. It's a "blast."





	

**Author's Note:**

> I may be projecting onto Felicity.
> 
> Based on the comments I received, I don't think people got the point of this fic at all. This is an ANTI-"weddings and babies" fic. (I like Oliver and Felicity as a couple, but I hope that any wedding between them includes some combination of explosions, Bratva attacks, booby-traps set by supervillains, vows exchanged in a getaway van, or other total mayhem. And season 4 Felicity did not sound enthusiastic about having babies, any more than season 5 Felicity sounded enthusiastic about a mask. I don't want to see her pregnant on the show unless she actively wants to be. And no, liking other people's babies does not imply wanting one of her own.)

"Never thought I would help someone blow up a kitchen store," Dinah commented. She leaned casually against the shelving where Felicity was setting C4 inside a set of anodized cookware.

"If you had to deal with flatware patterns, you might feel differently," Felicity replied. "That should bring down this side of the store. Let's check the bedding."

Dinah glanced at the wiring hidden behind the frying pan, then followed her to the other side of the store. "If you hate this stuff so much, why did you put in your registry? Nobody would have been surprised if you only asked for computer stuff."

"Just to blow it up?" Felicity frowned, looking from the sheets to the duvet covers. "I mean, it wouldn't be the first time I've blown up tech, but it hurts my soul every time. This stuff?" She waved her hand at a bunch of high-thread-count sheets. "No great loss."

"Remind me. Why did you think a couple super-villains would buy you wedding presents, anyway?" Dinah positioned herself to block the view of the salesperson as Felicity started hiding explosives beneath a pile of throw pillows. "I know they've been stalking Oliver in real life. But why here?"

"I hate shopping," Felicity confessed. "But Slade Wilson doesn't know that. And Black Siren has some kind of domestic revenge fantasy involving Oliver. So after Slade and Siren hooked up..." Felicity made some kind of complicated gesture that might have been an explosion, or might have been kneading bread. "Besides, I've had fantasies of blowing this place up ever since Ivy Town." She finished setting the explosives. "There. That should bring down the outer walls without collapsing everything. But anyone who is checking the registry?" She made a crashing gesture with her hands. "Trapped."

"You're sure they'll come here?" Dinah pretended to examine a comforter.

"No," Felicity said. "Which is why Curtis and I programmed a couple of his spheres with facial recognition. One's in the kitchenware section, and one is with the bedding." She headed for the entrance. "I'm not even sure they'll come to this store. Which is why I need to leave some messages on Twitter." She handed her phone to Dinah.

The camera app was already set. "You should smile, at least," Dinah said. "What do you want in the background?"

Felicity glanced around. "Knives. Definitely the knives." She plastered a smile onto her face. "Mint chip!"

Dinah showed her the photo.

Felicity nodded. "That will do." She tapped a few times on her phone. "And that should clear the place of salespeople. They're already getting the life force sucked out of them by customer service work. They don't need concrete to fall on them."

"That's it, then?" Dinah asked. "Ok. Let's get out of here before the villains show up."

"Which will be soon, I hope," Felicity added. "Thea took my mother shopping for dresses on the other side of town, but it would be just like Mom to show up in time for a bombing."

Dinah nodded and followed her out of the store. "I hate to ask this, but... what are you going to do if this doesn't work?"

Felicity shook her head. "I don't even want to think about it." She glanced over her shoulder as they passed Baby Gap. "I had a nightmare about it last night." She shuddered. "But there is no way I'm going to get pregnant to catch a villain. The wedding planning is bad enough."

They left the mall by the nearest entrance and headed for the van in the back corner of the lot. Felicity handed her tablet to Dinah and pulled out her phone.

"Keep an eye on the cameras for a moment," she said, "and let Rene and John know if you see anything. I need to call Oliver."

Dinah pretended to be looking for... well, she had no idea what Felicity wanted her to pretend to do, but lots of people stand around in parking lots looking at tablets these days.

Felicity paced behind her. "Oliver! Hi, yes, everything's fine. But... do you think you could change to your other suit? Quickly?" She paused. "No. I told you, everything's fine. But you need to come to the mall. Yes, as the other you."

Dinah looked up at that. "Oliver doesn't know?"

Felicity shushed her with a look. "It's a trap for Slade and Black Siren. No, it's ok, Dinah's here with me, and John and Rene are in the lot on the other side of the mall." She stopped and listened. "Lyla's fine with it. I picked up the wine glasses she wanted before we set the explosives."

Dinah smiled and waved at a car that drove by.

"No, I didn't get the parchment." Felicity paused. "That was for cooking? I assumed it was for, I don't know, writing. Like calligraphy or something. I thought I'd pick it up with the invitations."

Dinah interrupted. "I think this is them." She turned the tablet so that Felicity could see the traffic camera images. "Looks like they're at Fourth and Westview. Moving fast."

Felicity kept talking on her phone. "It will be fine, Oliver. My mother needs to learn to shop online like everyone else." She listened for a moment. "Look, you need to change. Slade's on his way. Bye. Love you too."

Dinah climbed in the back and changed her clothes while Felicity drove to the other side of Best Buy. She looked over the seats at the tablet as Felicity parked.

Two masked figures were wandering the aisles, examining the cutlery. When they turned to look at the plates, Felicity pushed a button and the mall erupted in flames.

Felicity smiled. "I've always hated going to the mall."


End file.
